1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize