Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
