Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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