I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
