I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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