I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
time to smoke my breakfast
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
