smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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