Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
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Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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