At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
