someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
