Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
