After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
