that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
