my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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