Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
