Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
