Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
