Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
