last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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