you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
