im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
