when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think my moral compass just broke
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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