Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
