my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
