I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
