ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
