If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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