My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
