70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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