this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
