apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I didn't notice because vodka
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
