I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
