Apparently you make a good broom.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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