I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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