I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
