First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
