i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
