Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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