i barfeds in our rink
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
