my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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