that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
