Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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