I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
