Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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