she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
