I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
