Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..

(313): View more from Michigan

I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..

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(361): View more from Texas

Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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(605): View more from South Dakota

maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover

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(858): View more from California

I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."

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(425): View more from Washington

Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.

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