he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
