Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
