Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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