not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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