Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
