we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
