Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I look better un-naked...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
