dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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