are you still at the devil's house?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
this boner is exhausting
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
