hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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