No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
